Overlooked in the inaugural hoopla is a real crisis. Congress should be called into session. Call up the rest of the National Guard. Mobilize the civil air patrol and boy scouts. Peanut Butter has been declared dangerous! There have been some deaths and hundreds have fallen ill. They say salmonella is the culprit. No matter who or what, action is needed NOW!
Have you ever enjoyed peanut butter on a banana? It is worth fighting for. What kid who takes his lunch to school can survive long without a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich? What about those men in hard hats up on some twenty-story building walking beams and welding? They need PEANUT BUTTER! Ever make a lunch out of those six-pack peanut butter and cracker sandwiches you can buy in any Quik-Stop? (Or could). If you can luckily get the wrapper open going seventy on some expressway there is instant energy. Throw all the peanut butter out to the varmits? Hey, not a bad idea. Rats and mice LOVE peanut butter! We could rid the country in just a few days of millions of these critters, that is, if there is salmonella in every package, jar, and whatever. It's worth a try. Forget the Congress and National Guard and CAP and Scouts. Problem solved! Wonder if there is a need for my wisdom in Washington? I'll be waiting for a call.